LYNDA Carlyle, accredited Sex and Relationship Therapist, Sexologist and Registered Nurse has an intriguing job as chief mediator in the land of sex. Each day she skilfully mentors her clients through their many difficulties in finding mutually pleasurable states in the bedroom.
If you’re feeling misunderstood and sexually unsatisfied, Lynda reassures us this is common.
Speaking about women specifically, she says an uneven sexual playing field is still apparent as societal attitudes have failed to progress as quickly as they could with sexually active women losing out.
Years of comprehensive work has taught her this sexual inequality starts in classrooms with the unbalanced teachings of sex education.
Lynda claims men are taught to embrace their sexual urges from a very young age and women are taught a “different set of rules” about their anatomy and sexual purposes.
“In sex education, girls learn about their periods and pregnancy and boys hear about masturbation, arousal and their sexual urges being OK,” she says.
Lynda stresses strategic communication is key for both men and women “especially during casual sex” to assist in shameless pleasure fulfilment and to further challenge the sexist social conditioning of women.
A woman’s tendency to be more hesitant in speaking up about she wants during sex is coupled with the added complication of the arousal process being more complex and slower acting for women.
Such frank conversations can be difficult for couples in a controlled and mediated environment let alone during a fleeting sexual encounter, she says.
Speaking up in the bedroom is important according to Lynda.
“We need to find a language to feel comfortable with having these conversations (about our sexual desires and lack of fulfilment)” she says.
Lynda cites findings of gender differences in sexual behaviours in a study about Why Humans Have Sex.
According to this study, when it comes to “no-strings-attached” casual sex, men are far better equipped to deal with one night stands than their female counterparts who prefer to emotionally invest.
Women surveyed proved to be more choosy and discriminatory when making choices about who they have sex with.
Whereas a sexual mate being “too hot to resist” was a predominant finding for men surveyed, the potential to establish future relationships was an integral motivator for women.
“I wanted to express my love for the person” was an explanation more commonly provided by women than men in the survey.
This study supports the fact that blokes are far more likely to be “spontaneous” and liberal in their sexual decision making than ladies. It adds weight to the evolutionary hypothesis that women are still holding onto their traditional role as gate keepers confirming casual sex is a more habitual and rewarding tendency for lads.
Interestingly and contrary to popular belief, women are actually less likely to initiate sex to “get what they want” from a man. Guys in the study showed dominance in having sex in order to “get a favour” or “change the subject”. This definitely squashes the age old reward seeking stereotype we fling at women often judging them for using sex as a weapon of bribery — they don’t, blokes do!
Another study of 3,300 people conducted by Psychologist Anne Campbell from the Duram University in England about casual sex found that 80 per cent of men had overall positive feelings after a one-night stand — while only 54 per cent of women expressed positive feelings about their encounter the next day.
So if women are genetically wired to carry around the bad taste of regret after casual sex — what’s the point in having it anyway? Other than to satisfy male impulsivity?
Psychologist Georgia Ray weighs in on the debate:
“On a psychological level, casual sex can impact both men’s and women’s self-esteem, self-worth, sense of security and many more critical life-altering factors”.
In her experience, “anxiety and depressive disorders, eating disorders, male erectile disorder and narcissistic personality disorder are just a few of the many devastating diagnoses that have stemmed from the impact a culture of casual sex can have on an individual.
“Although I am not anti casual sex, I am yet to see the true benefits of casual sex on the human psyche,” she concludes.
As a sex advocate who’s diary is booked back to back, Lynda offers many services to help people reach heightened levels of sexual nirvana.
“Progression in conversations about sexuality has been opened up but we’re not getting taught about how to be good sexual partners” she says.
Lynda maintains that acceptance of one’s self and strategic communication, without blame, is the key to sexual happiness.
She says that speaking up about levels of dissatisfaction in sex is a topic of caution for many because they can often misinterpret this honesty as an attack.
“Avoid blaming people for your lack of satisfaction, this won’t help them in finding the confidence to perform differently,” she suggests.
Perhaps the best way forward in our environment of sexual urgency, insecurities and regret is to find happiness and contentment from within and to be aware of your motivations (and those of others) when swiping for “love” or “sex” in the ever evolving marketplace of hook ups via dating apps.
Or if you’re having sex and being left unsatisfied, call Lynda for some hot tips.