Building a Better Vagina?
EUGENE, SIR: After reading last week’s column [“When a Young Man’s Fancy Turns to Trans”] and the questions on penis size, I wondered about the sense I’ve had since I became sexually active that I was too big “down there.” I’m hearing about vaginal reconstruction surgery. I’m 48 and recently divorced. My ex and I had a very mixed sex life for the 17 years we were married. Might I consider this to improve things going forward? —Robin
Dear Girl Wonder: Right now, somewhere, someone (or several someones) is reading this and their mouth is watering. They’re rubbing their … hands … together. They are overjoyed. These people are more than likely not your future sex partners but anyone, and everyone, involved in any of the industries that cater to how badly off we’re routinely being led to believe we are.
Hair too curly? We can fix you. Eyes too narrow? We can fix that too! Breasts too small? Oh BOY, we can fix that! And fix it good!
There are pills, creams, equipment and surgical options all tilted toward the option you’re suggesting: an, in my mind, inorganic method to narrow the vaginal canal with the expectation that a narrower canal will increase friction and therefore some sort of sexual satisfaction. And because “upsell” is real, there’s also the possibility that this very “helpful” vaginal provider might also suggest, “as long as we’re down there,” a labiaplasty or a surgical reconstruction of the labia, because … well, why the hell not?
I know it’s hard to hold on to kinks that are specifically not your kinks and that the level of understanding that I’d need to have in order to appreciate your very possibly adult lifelong concerns about the quality of sex you’re having might be lacking. But forget about me for just a second and let’s look at those vaginal helpmates with their pills, creams, equipment and surgery. Are any of those being dispensed for free? Might I then suggest that their desire to own a big yacht versus, say, a rowboat, stands in direct opposition to you getting the best unbiased input you can?
Sure, in some cases, this surgery might be warranted, but remember it’s still surgery and comes with risks. And history is full of thousands of years of women making it through life successfully without this surgery. Of course, those hand-rubbers recommending surgery might say “but how good were their lives, really?” And that’s how they get you.
While the “tightness” of any muscle or body part connected to muscle can be improved via exercise, and kegels are a useful way to develop “down there,” my advice? Save yourself thousands, and steer clear of scalpels and people who wield them for anything that’s not medically necessary. While vagina surgeons won’t, your vagina most certainly will thank you.
EUGENE, SIR: I want to experience my husband with another woman. Not someone we know, since this would be weird, and not someone we’d have to convince, like someone in a bar. So, what are the legalities connected to hiring an escort for this? —Name withheld by request
Dear Mrs. Furley: The internet has disrupted many old ways of doing things. Catching car rides. Stalking exes. And yes, even finding a third dance partner for the kind of dancing you’re suggesting. To wit: a girl-guy-girl threesome. My suggestion? Unless the purchase of a sex partner is part of your kink — and depending on where you live, there are different legal issues to consider — just find a website for people seeking a third. You get to see them first, can email back and forth, establish ground rules of play, and the only cash that changes hands is what you’ll have to pay, usually something minimal, to join the website. Craigslist used to be good for this, but the law changed, partially because of pimps running underage “escorts” ruining it for legitimate sex workers and, well, everybody interested in outré sexual practices. So, private lifestyle clubs have popped up, catering to whatever your kink might be. Find one. Good luck.
The Continuing Pursuit of Penile Perfection
EUGENE, SIR: I want to know why the penis will get short in size, and why can’t men have sex for a long time? Solutions? —Sunil
Dear Sunny: Ah. When you hang out a shingle, like we have, and profess to take on all comers, regardless of the clarity of their queries, I always knew it would lead me here. Which is to say, while I am unsure of exactly what you’re asking, I’m going to try to answer it anyway! Like Johnny Utah. Out the plane, in the air, no wires and no idea if the chute will work, but here goes.
The penis is a miracle of bioengineering and, at least in the case of doctors doing gender-reassignment surgery, difficult to duplicate. So if you’re talking about naturally occurring shortness, the causes there would be genetic. That is to say: nature. You’re born as you’re born. If, however, what you’re talking about is the penis responding to temperature and shrinking, or something postcoital, this is, well, also natural. If what you’re thinking about is cosmetic, perhaps best to focus more on the “growing” part and less on the “showing” part. Also, exposing you and your partner to the widest panoply of sexual practice increases the likelihood of sexual “success.” So, consider oral sex as well as whatever else you’re doing.
And, finally, when considering how long men can have sex for, you should realize this is all relative. For some, 60 minutes of coitus is enough. For some? Too much. For others? Not nearly enough. This all depends on who you’re with, what they’re into and whatever it is you’re doing when you’re doing what we’d call coitus. If you find yourself closer to orgasm than you’d like to be, also consider tugging on your scrotum slightly to retard this impending orgasm. This should get you to long enough.
How’d I do? I’m sure you’ll let me know. Until then? Cheers!